Manager refuses to recommend employee for a promotion, gets accused of “holding him back” when he won't write a reference letter: ‘I wouldn't write a recommendation I didn't genuinely believe’

Author image for Cata Holmes
Cata Holmes • Writer
Aug 31, 2026 6:30 PM EDT

Can you recommend someone you don't think is ready?

Being a manager can be very complicated at times. I'm not a manager, but I think I can understand the position the OP was in and why he reached out to the community in r/AITH. Apparently, he is the supervisor at a small company and the manager of a team. One of his employees, Ryan, wanted a promotion, and he had a fair chance at getting the position. The manager was asked who he thought was ready to achieve this role, and he didn't think Ryan was the one.

Ryan heard this and was pretty upset, but seemed understanding when the manager gave him his reasons. Things escalated and went wrong when he was about to get a new position at a different company, but needed a recommendation letter from his current boss. The OP refused, and Ryan got very angry. He felt like this man was not helping him in his career and was setting him back.

In my opinion, I don't think the OP is wrong. I understand the frustration of the employee, but at the same time, if he doesn't think that Ryan is ready to grow in that way, then he shouldn't recommend him for something he doesn't feel he's ready for. Of course, this is going to cause friction between them, but it's a serious thing, and being honest is key.

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  • A supervisor discusses an employee's performance after deciding he isn't ready for a senior position.
    via Unsplash+ (via Vitaly Gariev)

    A supervisor discusses an employee's performance after deciding he isn't ready for a senior position.

    Representative only.

  • I'm 32M and work as a supervisor at a small company. One of my coworkers, Ryan (30M), has been trying to move into a senior position for a while.
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  • Last month, my manager asked me privately which employees I thought were ready for the position. I didn't recommend Ryan. He's good at his actual job, but I've had to fix several of
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  • his mistakes over the past few months, and I don't think he's ready to supervise other people yet.
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  • A week later, Ryan found out that I hadn't recommended him. He asked me about it directly, and I told him honestly that I didn't think he was ready.
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  • He was disappointed but seemed to accept it.
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  • Yesterday, he asked me to write him a personal recommendation anyway because he found another position at a different company. He said it would
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  • mean a lot coming from me and that I didn't have to mention any of the problems I'd had with his work.
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  • I told him I couldn't honestly recommend him for a position involving responsibilities I hadn't seen him handle successfully.
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  • He said I was deliberately trying to hold him back and that I could simply write something positive about his strengths without mentioning the weaknesses.
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  • An employee grows frustrated after his supervisor refuses to write a recommendation for a senior position.
    via Unsplash+ (via Vitaly Gariev)

    An employee grows frustrated after his supervisor refuses to write a recommendation for a senior position.

    Scene is illustrative and does not depict actual individuals or events.

  • I explained that I wouldn't write a recommendation I didn't genuinely believe.
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  • He called me unfair because I had never given him a formal warning or told him his mistakes were serious enough to affect his career.
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  • Now I'm wondering if I should have been more direct with him earlier instead of quietly giving my honest assessment to management.
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  • A couple of coworkers think I was right not to lie, but another said I should have helped him because there was nothing personal between us.
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  • The comment section was very divided. On one side, some of the readers told the OP he should have written the recommendation letter and helped him thrive in this new position, while on the other, some were saying he did well in refusing, since this letter was going to have his name on it and that would involve some sort of responsibility.

  • Green-Dragon-14 Did you flag his mistakes with him so he could improve or did you just throw that at him?
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  • spike_044 I think your supervisor man management skills are severely lacking tbh. You should have reviewed the mistakes with him so he could be given the opportunity to put them right and learned from it. Whoever gave you a promotion needs to be reviewing his decision
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  • MisterVee321 I suppose you could phrase it in such a way that you are honest, but regard him as a good fellow employee.
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  • Gnome Alone You could have penned a recommendation of his strengths and his potential for successively greater responsibilities It isn't a frickin' contract you are signing I won't say you are an AH, but you surely aren't any help
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  • Summum YTA Costs you nothing, guy is good at his job, just write about the strong points
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  • A supervisor reviews work with an employee who later asks him for a recommendation for another job.
    via Unsplash+ (via Vitaly Gariev)

    A supervisor reviews work with an employee who later asks him for a recommendation for another job.

    Models for explanatory purposes only.  

  • Xena_Your_God You are purposefully holding them back. YTAH
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  • Free-Place-3930 YTA. You're a bad manager. I feel for the guy getting stuck with you. Karma WILL bite you in the a.
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  • Mysterious-Pie4586 NTA. But I agree with you that as his supervisor you should have reviewed any substandard work with him at the time and given him the opportunity for improvement.
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  • HowlPen This is such a made up story. You were sharing with other coworkers that he is trying to apply to other companies? That he's made mistakes? Sure. YTA
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promotion toxic manager workplace reference letter
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